When I am inspired to write, I must write.
I'm free in 72 hours, but it still feels like forever. Yet, this impending freedom which my soul craves so much now feels attainable since I've made progress. The other day on the subway I thought, I feel free now that I have one less thing to worry about, but I can't feel completely at peace until Monday. When imprisoned by anxiety, it is nearly impossible for me to reach a state of peace, even though I know it's technically possible. Anxiety is probably the one emotion that has complete control over me; that I surrender to whenever it stops by and takes me for a ride.
I've still yet to learn the process of healthfully coming down from periods of overwhelm. It's too easy to go for the familiar. When you're in that state all you can think about is reacting on auto-pilot. I'm not sure why I just thought of this, but ever since I was younger I always wanted to find something wrong with me. I was the kid who wanted the braces, the glasses. I somehow found those things desirable and to some extent those quirks still exist in my personality.
I spent all day in the darkroom and fortunately, determination granted me an early departure. It was maybe the first time this whole semester that I was able to surrender to the process of printing and really work with it. My enlarger was a piece of shit but I worked with it and when it really fucked up I forgave it, I handled it more gently. And in the end it gave back to me and helped me produce several photos I'm actually proud of. Oddly enough I think this final assignment, a simple still life of all things, pushed me past that learning curve and showed me not only what I'm capable of in terms of growing with an open mind and exploring new terrain, but it's like all the gears in my head that have been continuously churning throughout this class have finally clicked; it's like I get it now. I get what Jane has been trying to teach us all along. Although these are not my favorite photos, I actually feel like I have a grasp on how to produce a good black and white photo, and at the end of the semester that's really all I could have hoped for.
I treated myself to some Boloco Mexican food, I'd been craving Mexican after reading a blog post Tim Ferriss did a while ago regarding the diet he's had for several years. I'm totally engrossed by his blog and mind. I've always admired people who think differently. I mean yeah he's obviously very smart but sometimes smart people are annoying. But he thinks in a way that I wish I could think in. I love the fact that he does all sorts of mini experiments on himself and is always pushing his mind and body to greater heights. It also made me think about things I've done in the past that have only turned out to be phases, i.e. raw foods, but if I think about those phases as experiments of sorts, I can actually shift my perception of them and not beat myself up for not sticking to something that I had hoped would become a long-term thing. I think it's good to experiment with new things and see what works for you. I've also lately realized that I can be whoever I want to be. As it is, who I perceive myself to be in this moment is purely based on the accumulation of self-beliefs as well as projected beliefs about myself from others since I was born. I can't say which beliefs have been more influential on who I am today, but I can be whoever I want to be at any given moment and it's fun because lately I haven't felt like I have to be the person others expect me to be, I've been the person I want to be today. It's such an unfamiliar frame of thinking for me but so far I love it.
I keep trying to pinpoint what has sparked this sudden inspiration lately, I truthfully have no idea. Something has just made me realize that I used to be someone who worked with the laws of the universe to make my life work for me, and somewhere within this past year I abandoned that and purposefully sabotaged my life because I didn't care and created many misconceptions about the universe; mainly not understanding why my last relationship ended when it did, and how I ended up in a mini one shortly after which was NOT a good idea by any means. I've realized how important it is to be self-reliant and to be independent. How important it is to build a good relationship with yourself because it's the most important one you'll have in your entire life. I've somehow found the motivation to be reconnected to my genuine self and be-friend the laws of the universe again. I've already noticed how much easier my life has become since I've allowed positive energy enter my life. So many good things have been happening, too many to even mention. I watched a video last week on how at the center of every human is pure joy, love, etc.. and the only thing preventing that from you always being that way are certain blocks in your life like the beliefs you have about yourself or anything that is limiting you. But if you can identify those blocks (usually just takes some self-examination), and shift your beliefs to dissolve them, you return to that naturally peaceful state. In a nutshell that's exactly what I've been doing lately, and to be honest I haven't felt this sense of peace in a while. I'm not at Zero yet, but I feel appreciative of where I am now and so grateful already for where I'm headed because I know it's good, real real good :)
So before I part, I have just a few questions for you all to think about:
1. If your life could be EXACTLY how you wanted it to be, what would it look like in one year?
Where would you be living? What would your job be? How would your lifestyle be different? Would you have the same friends? More, less? What would be the top priorities in your life and why? How would you make sure that you continued to live this life of your dreams?
Here's my answer:
If my life could be exactly how I wanted it to be in one year (December, 2010), I would live in Melbourne, Australia in a modern, cozy, homey apartment located in a beautiful, quiet urban neighborhood, with a very special someone. Everything I would need would be at my convenience, whether it be a go-to café or local bookstore. I would have a few jobs, the primary one being in Melbourne working within the fashion industry; preferably working for an Australian fashion designer at his or her studio. On the side I would also run a freelance photo retouching web site with a steady clientele base. I would also be open to modeling and being a freelance photographer; mainly shooting head shots. I would be wrapping up my contract with Seventeen Magazine as a Style Council member. Lastly and also most dearly, I would run a business with my very special someone that would be our heart and soul, something we're both passionate about that we think would appeal to a lot of people. I'd love for that project to be really enjoyable to develop and evolve and the outcome of creating that business together would enable us to travel several times a year, for at least two weeks at a time. It would also create a lot of financial stability for us, which leads into lifestyle changes :)
I don't see a need for my lifestyle to change much other than feeling financially free and independent, therefore being able to travel a lot as well as enjoy quality experiences like upscale restaurants, weekend trips and massages. The life I envision for myself is one where I never think, "I can't do that because it's too expensive." Not that I need a lot of money to be happy. I'd like my mindset to shift in ways to spend money efficiently without sacrificing quality, which I know is possible. As a side note, traveling would also include taking a trip alone to a foreign country where I would totally immerse myself. I think it would be a great experience to learn more about myself and gain perspective on my life.
Although my friends will be totally new, I would expect them to posses the same qualities my current friends in Boston have; being really down to earth, genuine, caring, silly, insightful, stylish and just fun to be around. I'd like to have a core group of girl friends whom I feel connected to beyond a superficial level and ones that I'd want to keep in contact with after I move back to NYC with said special someone :)
The top priorities in my life would be my relationship, career (& other projects), and my well-being, really taking my life to the next level in terms of what I can create with my life when I maximize the amount of free time as much as possible. It's something I've never had a reason to do before so I think it would be exciting. I also eventually want to create a large-scale business and I think that if I can begin to implement organization and time management now, it will make it so much easier to adjust to a busy lifestyle a few years from now. The last question is harder than I thought! First of all I would need support, from a mentor or life coach. Secondly I need spiritual guidance, usually in the form of a book or mediation. Thirdly it's important to assess your life every month at least to see what's working and what's not, that way you're always on top of your goals--keeping short and long-term goals is a must as well. Remaining open will be paramount because living in another country, although the cultures are similar, is still an experience to adjust to, and without an open mind it's very easy to isolate yourself.
If I think of more I'll add them later :)
Peace out kiddies xx
Some of the photos Gunes took!
